Conservative Europeans have come together like never before against this new threat to their homeland. “My newly prioritised Christian values of Europe are under attack like never before from a new threat,” comments local activist Gustav Penner. This new threat comes from the newest wave of primarily Pastafarian migrants that are flooding in through Europe’s southern border. “We don’t know why they are here; we don’t know what they want; we just know that they must be contained before we are knee deep in Carbonara Sauce and Parmesan Cheese!” continues Herr Penner. Italy seems to be the main destination for these migrants followed closely by the Netherlands, where Pastafarianism is now recognised as a religion. Local Dutch activist Will Geerty says he is worried by boom in Pastafarians he has witnessed in his lifetime. “Recently these Pastafarians opened a Vapiano in our neighbourhood and now all types of strange folk inhabit our once pure city.”
We caught up with one of the migrants to see what he thought about the claims against those of his religion. “Honestly, it’s all a bunch of bolognese. We are here because we have nowhere else to go. This is not some planned invasion to destroy Europe’s newly rediscovered Christian values.” But there is cause for worry. Recent polls show that while church attendance across Europe is falling rapidly, spaghetti consumption is at an all-time high.
But those opposed to Pastafarianism have recently claimed a victory in France with the controversial Colander Constraint. The colander is a well-known religious headdress of the Pastafarians. “We were of the understanding that Europe had evolved into a progressive continent where one had the freedom to practice whatever religion one choose,” proclaimed one Pastafarian now suffering under the ban. “But this legislation shall not stop us from following His Noodliness.” With planned protests of all pasta related goods, tensions will continue until these two sides can work out their differences. “His Noodly Appendage works in strange and mystical ways. Who are we to question the will of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?”
As we all know now, most of our nightmares have come true. Trump has become president and we are all coping with this shocking development in different ways. Many are surprised, some are confused, a small percentage of those I’ve seen online are pleased, but most, I am relieved to see, are very, very angry. We knew this was a possibility, but the reality of the situation only really started to sink in as swing state after swing state fell to our newly elected, Oompa-Loompa in Chief. I myself am not altogether surprised. Just think for a second how dumb the average American is, then realize that 160 million Americans are, by definition, stupider than this, and the reality of President Donald Trump becomes somewhat more understandable. In the meantime, I, with all the American optimism that can get someone like our future Racist in Chief into the Oval Office, have been looking for a silver lining to this horrible cloud, and if you bear with me, I have hopefully found one. Continue reading “The Silver Lining of the 2016 Election and the Way Forward”→
Next Tuesday will hopefully be the end of the absolute fiasco, disaster, or whatever less printable name you would like to call this year’s election. As much as I would like to talk about it, there is little to nothing positive that outweighs all the negative associated with both candidates. In the last few weeks, there have been rumors from both sides that either Clinton or Trump would drop out of the race leaving the election all but decided in favor of the other candidate. Both times these rumors have come out I was terrified at the very real prospect of either Clinton or Trump becoming president, though honestly I was more terrified at the thought of POTUS Trump than POTUS Clinton. I’m not here to support one or the other. They are both deplorable candidates. That a country of 320 million people has to choose between these two is embarrassing though not altogether surprising. Watching this campaign has been nothing short of Kafkaesque as we watch this garbage, unable to do anything. This is not an election where the voters will vote in favor of a candidate, but rather, for the most part, against a candidate. If anyone is still unaware, next Wednesday the future president of the United States will almost definitely be either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. Writing those words, my heart beat faster and a wave of fear crashed over me as I realize yet again how bleak the future is.
Why I’m scared of Trump…
To start, the obvious bad, the ignorant evil. Trump is clearly an absolutely atrocious choice for president. Randomly choose any one of his speeches, tweets, or TV interviews and you will surely find enough to disregard him as a viable candidate. Unfortunately, this has not been the case for everybody. Recent polls show he is leading by 1 point over, as he calls her, “Crooked Hillary Clinton” and it is easy to see why. There is no filter between his brain and his mouth. He says whatever he thinks is appealing to those who are completely fed up with politicians, political rhetoric, and empty political promises. And that’s what is scary about Trump; it’s not only what he says, which while terrible is mostly the ravings of a madman who has never been told “no”, but also the support he has managed to gather. Let me remind you that this is a man who has denied climate change as a Chinese hoax, has called Mexicans rapists and murders, has bragged that being famous allows you to sexually assault women, and he has suggested that best way to deal with terrorists is to murder the rest of their families (which is a war crime).
His supporters have followed him through a lot of controversy, to put it lightly. One of the most telling signs of the devotion of his supporters comes from one of his more recent debacles, when he suggested that being famous allowed one to sexually assault women. Many thought this would be the final nail in Trump’s coffin as many of his supporters finally turned on him, but he has somehow turned it around. This is worrying for two reasons. One, the fact that he still has support after such a scandal is shocking, and two, all the supporters who turned on him then had supported him through everything else! Sexual assault is a horrendous act, however before this news broke some of Trump’s public suggestions included the literal genocide of anyone related to suspected terrorists! Trump is a bumbling ape who has somehow gone from a bad joke to a very real fear and as scary as it would be to have him in office with his bumbling little fingers on the nuclear button and his golden sharpie signing and repealing executive orders, the bigoted and racist movement that he has unwittingly started is something possibly even more dangerous as their political savior struts around 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Why I’m scared of Hillary…
Now comes Clinton, the lesser of the two evils, the intelligent evil. There is so much about Hillary Clinton that is unknown to the public. From the allegations and scandals to her mistake-ridden “political experience” and finally her questionable allegiances, Hillary Clinton is a figure with so many skeletons in her closet. To list quickly some of her more troubling acts: we have her vicious campaign against Bernie Sanders to become the Democratic Nominee, her cosiness with the mainstream media, her plethora of “pay-to-play” scandals and allegations, the fact that she constantly antagonizes Russia. While many of her supporters will dispute these claims, the fact remains that Hillary Clinton’s biggest asset in this debate is that she is “Not Trump”. That is not a reason to vote someone into possibly the most powerful position in the world, especially someone who changes their stance often and someone who has received money from Wall Street, big Pharma, foreign governments, and from various other less than reputable sources. This is a person who wore a 12,000$ jacket to a speech about inequality!
Now for my biggest fears about the possibility of Hillary Clinton in the oval office. First is that, despite all the allegations and with the help of her opponent’s even worse track record, Clinton has been able to take the moral high ground in this debate. Compared to Trump, she is an angel in many of the social categories. She is not outwardly and constantly racist (although she has found it difficult to shake her “superpredators” comment), she is not a bumbling idiot who has lacks filter usually between her brain and her mouth, she supports LGBT rights (for now), and she is a woman, which would make her the first female president, perhaps the best thing about her candidacy. From a social activists standpoint she is a clear and obvious choice and this is worrying. While she takes up the mantel of social justice, what will she be doing behind the scenes on the other fronts? Antagonizing Putin to the brink of World War III? Disregarding what is best for the American people and the people of the world in favor of her billionaire buddies? And all this while using the media to hide her true intentions while labelling anyone who says differently as a “conspiracy theorist”. Only Trump could make Hillary Clinton look like the better candidate and to the best of his ability, he has. But the fact that this will be a close election is telling. My second fear when it comes to Clinton is that she knows how politics works. Both choices are abysmal, that much is clear, but while Trump has little to no experience, greatly hindering him as he tries to push through his moronic schemes, Clinton knows exactly what she is doing and will, to the best of her ability, get things done. How else could such a candidate get the nomination over the well liked Sanders. Looking at her history, this is terrifying, as is the prospect of either one of these candidates become president.
Now to conclude my ranting and raving I would usually try to offer a solution, but it seems it is far too late and this is far too big a challenge to take on. This sham of an election is an embarrassment to democracy and unfortunately, the results will be unavoidable as everyone will be affected. Writing this piece has been a rollercoaster of emotions from anger, to fear, to straight disbelief, finally back to anger. How could we come to this? The fact is we are here and there is nothing any of us can do about it.
With the United Kingdom bound to leave in the near future, the European Union is working on a daring plan to keep 28 member states. With Brexit approaching and no suitable candidates for accession to the European Union, the European Parliament has decided to split off a part of one of the remaining 27 members in order to keep 28 member states. Federica Mogherini remarks, “We have had an upward trend in regards to membership in the European Community, and we will not allow one referendum to get in the way of that.”
In regards to how this would play out in reality, the Parliament has offered a few suggestions. Among the more obvious options we have Cyprus, who would require the least effort to split up, and Germany, who already has plenty of precedent when it comes to dividing their country. Other suggestions include splitting Holland from the rest of the Netherlands “because then everyone would finally have to get the names right”, Wallonia from the rest of Belgium “because now everyone knows that Wallonia actually exists anyway”, and Paris from the rest of France. One of the earliest suggestions from German MEP Frauke Petry was to split Czechoslovakia in half before she was informed that this had already been achieved. As for the obvious choices like Catalonia, the Parliament shot this idea down immediately. President Martin Schulz said, “If we give Catalonia their independence, next thing you know the Bavarians will want independence and maybe even the Basque. We are committed to 28 Member States, 29 is just a nasty number.”
Mogherini sounded upbeat about this radical plan despite the lack of specifics or tangible details. “Europeans arbitrarily creating new borders has a long history of success. Just look at the old colonies- look how successful that has been.” This is expected to be a top priority of the European Union in 2017 and they have asked the European public for their opinion. The EU has set up a hotline for suggestions at, +32(0)X XX XXXXX, for anyone wishing to have their voice heard.
Featured picture: construction of the Berlin Wall.
After years of negotiation, CENTA (Comprehensive European/Northern-Atlantic Trade Agreement), a Free Trade Agreement between the European Union and the North Pole, appeared to be in jeopardy after Belgium was temporarily unable to secure the backing necessary to sign on. Belgium has reportedly been under heavy pressure from the French-speaking region of Wallonia who have decided that they cannot support this agreement. North Pole’s Prime Minister Mr S. Claus was to fly in Thursday morning to sign the agreement in Brussels, but had to postpone due to the unexpected delay. The Head Ambassador of the North Pole, a Mr Patrius Palivius Elf, comments on the situation, “This is obviously disappointing, but with enough spirit, I believe that we can pull this deal off.”
Indeed across Europe many are praising Walloon’s resistance to CENTA, saying that CENTA gives too much power to large corporations. Speaking on the Clause in question, Wallonia’s minister-president, Paul Magnette, said “This trade agreement gives too much power to the big boss and does not do enough to protect the little people.” Working conditions in the North Pole are notoriously poor with long working hours, minimal time off, and deplorably small living quarters.
Our undercover investigative journalist brings to light even more possible violations as the working population is force fed sugar to keep them active and working, and the school systems are dangerously close to propaganda. A report from Amnesty International speaks to the schooling system conditions, saying that the students “sing nationalistic songs, praise their glorious leader, and wear demeaning uniforms all day, every day.”
Despite these allegations and Wallonia’s resistance, the delay is now over and the agreement seems to be back on track. A relieved Juncker commented on the situation, “Honestly, with everything that has happened in the last few months, it’s just nice to have a win for the EU.”
Yesterday, during a speech for the anti-European Union politicians of Germany, Nigel Farage, notorious British anti-European politician whose party, UKIP, along with others, helped the British to vote to leave the European Union, changed his tune when speaking in front of his German colleagues. “I have seen the light, and let me tell you, the future outside of the European Union is frightening.” This is a surprising change from a man who spent almost two decades in the European parliament bad mouthing the European Union. Citing his own personal experience, Mr. Farage went on to explain exactly what leaving the European Union meant for him personally.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I was a fool. Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun and my wings melted. Let me speak plainly. If you continue down this path, you will all lose your jobs.”
The German politicians were clearly confused by Farage’s new rhetoric, especially his newfound reliance on facts and figures.
Estimates show that, in Germany alone, leaving the European Union would lead to an estimated 7.1% loss of jobs for anti-EU politicians, with that number rising to as high as 10.6% in Thuringen and over 12% in Brandenburg.
“This is a dangerous time to be unemployed in Europe. I myself have been forced to take the odd job in the United States just to keep up my elaborate lifestyle. I’m not saying you must support everything the European Union does, but you should realise that the EU is more important to your own well-being than any of us have ever considered.”
Neither Frauke Petry nor Jörg Meuthen could be reached for comment after the speech as they were presumably scrambling to form a new party-platform for the AfD.