The Americorner: Conservative Europeans fear influx of Pastafarian migrants and the threat they pose to Europe’s Christian Values

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The Flying Spaghetti Monster is not as camera shy as most gods. Photo by Ontologix

Ryan Minett 

Conservative Europeans have come together like never before against this new threat to their homeland. “My newly prioritised Christian values of Europe are under attack like never before from a new threat,” comments local activist Gustav Penner. This new threat comes from the newest wave of primarily Pastafarian migrants that are flooding in through Europe’s southern border. “We don’t know why they are here; we don’t know what they want; we just know that they must be contained before we are knee deep in Carbonara Sauce and Parmesan Cheese!” continues Herr Penner. Italy seems to be the main destination for these migrants followed closely by the Netherlands, where Pastafarianism  is now recognised as a religion. Local Dutch activist Will Geerty says he is worried by boom in Pastafarians he has witnessed in his lifetime. “Recently these Pastafarians opened a Vapiano in our neighbourhood and now all types of strange folk inhabit our once pure city.”

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A Pastafarian refugee protests for his right to dress as he pleases in France. Photo by G.dallorto

We caught up with one of the migrants to see what he thought about the claims against those of his religion. “Honestly, it’s all a bunch of bolognese. We are here because we have nowhere else to go. This is not some planned invasion to destroy Europe’s newly rediscovered Christian values.” But there is cause for worry. Recent polls show that while church attendance across Europe is falling rapidly, spaghetti consumption is at an all-time high.

But those opposed to Pastafarianism have recently claimed a victory in France with the controversial Colander Constraint. The colander is a well-known religious headdress of the Pastafarians. “We were of the understanding that Europe had evolved into a progressive continent where one had the freedom to practice whatever religion one choose,” proclaimed one Pastafarian now suffering under the ban. “But this legislation shall not stop us from following His Noodliness.” With planned protests of all pasta related goods, tensions will continue until these two sides can work out their differences. “His Noodly Appendage works in strange and mystical ways. Who are we to question the will of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?”

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Another adherent to Pastafariaism continues to threaten society. Photo by Joe Mabel

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The Silver Lining of the 2016 Election and the Way Forward

Ryan Minett

As we all know now, most of our nightmares have come true. Trump has become president and we are all coping with this shocking development in different ways. Many are surprised, some are confused, a small percentage of those I’ve seen online are pleased, but most, I am relieved to see, are very, very angry. We knew this was a possibility, but the reality of the situation only really started to sink in as swing state after swing state fell to our newly elected, Oompa-Loompa in Chief. I myself am not altogether surprised. Just think for a second how dumb the average American is, then realize that 160 million Americans are, by definition, stupider than this, and the reality of President Donald Trump becomes somewhat more understandable. In the meantime, I, with all the American optimism that can get someone like our future Racist in Chief into the Oval Office, have been looking for a silver lining to this horrible cloud, and if you bear with me, I have hopefully found one. Continue reading “The Silver Lining of the 2016 Election and the Way Forward”

Catch 22: Clinton vs Trump 2016

 

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Trump and Clinton. Photos by Gage Skidmore, compiled by Krassotkin

Ryan Minett

Next Tuesday will hopefully be the end of the absolute fiasco, disaster, or whatever less printable name you would like to call this year’s election. As much as I would like to talk about it, there is little to nothing positive that outweighs all the negative associated with both candidates. In the last few weeks, there have been rumors from both sides that either Clinton or Trump would drop out of the race leaving the election all but decided in favor of the other candidate. Both times these rumors have come out I was terrified at the very real prospect of either Clinton or Trump becoming president, though honestly I was more terrified at the thought of POTUS Trump than POTUS Clinton. I’m not here to support one or the other. They are both deplorable candidates. That a country of 320 million people has to choose between these two is embarrassing though not altogether surprising. Watching this campaign has been nothing short of Kafkaesque as we watch this garbage, unable to do anything. This is not an election where the voters will vote in favor of a candidate, but rather, for the most part, against a candidate. If anyone is still unaware, next Wednesday the future president of the United States will almost definitely be either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. Writing those words, my heart beat faster and a wave of fear crashed over me as I realize yet again how bleak the future is.

Why I’m scared of Trump… Continue reading “Catch 22: Clinton vs Trump 2016”

The Americorner: EU launches new campaign to retain its 28 member structure

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The EU has always had an upward trend in terms of membership…. until recently. Graphic by Kolja21.

Ryan Minett

With the United Kingdom bound to leave in the near future, the European Union is working on a daring plan to keep 28 member states. With Brexit approaching and no suitable candidates for accession to the European Union, the European Parliament has decided to split off a part of one of the remaining 27 members in order to keep 28 member states. Federica Mogherini remarks, “We have had an upward trend in regards to membership in the European Community, and we will not allow one referendum to get in the way of that.”

In regards to how this would play out in reality, the Parliament has offered a few suggestions. Among the more obvious options we have Cyprus, who would require the least effort to split up, and Germany, who already has plenty of precedent when it comes to dividing their country. Other suggestions include splitting Holland from the rest of the Netherlands “because then everyone would finally have to get the names right”, Wallonia from the rest of Belgium “because now everyone knows that Wallonia actually exists anyway”, and Paris from the rest of France. One of the earliest suggestions from German MEP Frauke Petry was to split Czechoslovakia in half before she was informed that this had already been achieved. As for the obvious choices like Catalonia, the Parliament shot this idea down immediately. President Martin Schulz said, “If we give Catalonia their independence, next thing you know the Bavarians will want independence and maybe even the Basque. We are committed to 28 Member States, 29 is just a nasty number.”

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Yugoslavia is a good example of the ease with which the EU’s new plan could be implemented. Here is a graphic of just some of the divisions it has made since 1989. Image by Hoshie.

Mogherini sounded upbeat about this radical plan despite the lack of specifics or tangible details. “Europeans arbitrarily creating new borders has a long history of success. Just look at the old colonies- look how successful that has been.” This is expected to be a top priority of the European Union in 2017 and they have asked the European public for their opinion. The EU has set up a hotline for suggestions at, +32(0)X XX XXXXX, for anyone wishing to have their voice heard.

Featured picture: construction of the Berlin Wall.

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The Americorner: Christmas Cancelled? The CENTA Free Trade Agreement between the EU and North Pole Region Narrowly Avoids Collapse

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Christmas is very important for EU-NP trade relations. Source: Richard Fabi

Ryan Minett

After years of negotiation, CENTA (Comprehensive European/Northern-Atlantic Trade Agreement), a Free Trade Agreement between the European Union and the North Pole, appeared to be in jeopardy after Belgium was temporarily unable to secure the backing necessary to sign on. Belgium has reportedly been under heavy pressure from the French-speaking region of Wallonia who have decided that they cannot support this agreement. North Pole’s Prime Minister Mr S. Claus was to fly in Thursday morning to sign the agreement in Brussels, but had to postpone due to the unexpected delay. The Head Ambassador of the North Pole, a Mr Patrius Palivius Elf, comments on the situation, “This is obviously disappointing, but with enough spirit, I believe that we can pull this deal off.”

Indeed across Europe many are praising Walloon’s resistance to CENTA, saying that CENTA gives too much power to large corporations. Speaking on the Clause in question, Wallonia’s minister-president, Paul Magnette, said “This trade agreement gives too much power to the big boss and does not do enough to protect the little people.” Working conditions in the North Pole are notoriously poor with long working hours, minimal time off, and deplorably small living quarters.

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The Euroculturer’s undercover reporter had trouble adjusting: Source: Elf (2003)

Our undercover investigative journalist brings to light even more possible violations as the working population is force fed sugar to keep them active and working, and the school systems are dangerously close to propaganda. A report from Amnesty International speaks to the schooling system conditions, saying that the students “sing nationalistic songs, praise their glorious leader, and wear demeaning uniforms all day, every day.”

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The environmental impact of the North Pole Factory Operations has also been a source of opposition for left leaning Europeans. Source: U.S. Navy photo by Chief Yeoman Alphonso Braggs

Despite these allegations and Wallonia’s resistance, the delay is now over and the agreement seems to be back on track. A relieved Juncker commented on the situation, “Honestly, with everything that has happened in the last few months, it’s just nice to have a win for the EU.”

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Streets of the downtown Brussels decorated for the upcomming Christmas- Just in time for CENTA. Source: Mstyslav Chernov

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The Americorner with Ryan Minett: Farage advises anti-EU politicians in Germany to ease up

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Nigel Farage, a soon to be unemployed British man, has taken on an unpaid internship with the Trump campaign to keep himself busy. Photo by Michael Candelori

Ryan Minett

Yesterday, during a speech for the anti-European Union politicians of Germany, Nigel Farage, notorious British anti-European politician whose party, UKIP, along with others, helped the British to vote to leave the European Union, changed his tune when speaking in front of his German colleagues. “I have seen the light, and let me tell you, the future outside of the European Union is frightening.” This is a surprising change from a man who spent almost two decades in the European parliament bad mouthing the European Union. Citing his own personal experience, Mr. Farage went on to explain exactly what leaving the European Union meant for him personally.

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Job seeker Nigel Farage, will soon lose his job due to the UK’s impending exit from the EU. Which he orchestrated. Some of his skills include Microsoft word, populism and hate propaganda. His interests include the Queen, denouncing immigration and a quiet pint at the pub. Photo by Dweller

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I was a fool. Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun and my wings melted. Let me speak plainly. If you continue down this path, you will all lose your jobs.”
The German politicians were clearly confused by Farage’s new rhetoric, especially his newfound reliance on facts and figures.
Estimates show that, in Germany alone, leaving the European Union would lead to an estimated 7.1% loss of jobs for anti-EU politicians, with that number rising to as high as 10.6% in Thuringen and over 12% in Brandenburg.

“This is a dangerous time to be unemployed in Europe. I myself have been forced to take the odd job in the United States just to keep up my elaborate lifestyle. I’m not saying you must support everything the European Union does, but you should realise that the EU is more important to your own well-being than any of us have ever considered.”

Neither Frauke Petry nor Jörg Meuthen could be reached for comment after the speech as they were presumably scrambling to form a new party-platform for the AfD.

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Frauke Petry upon realizing she might be made redundant: Photo by Olaf Kosinsky

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